Deadlock

1.

What sort of ridicule is this? Really, I’m not interested in it. I think I am absolutely misunderstood. I am not the sort of a woman, which he might think of me, definitely. I don’t like such a game, the emotional game, because I’m very weak at such folly and not witted about it at all.

Nevertheless, am I being swallowed up into the whirlwind of a certain emotional collision in spite of myself? What an absurd creature I am! Too frail to stand tall for myself!

2.

I’ve been proud of myself and have necessary confidence in me, and have been valued and loved by others. Now I, however, feel trapped within my own standards and other’s expectation. The aging and consequently lack of physical strength—that is, degenerating— are taking my ability away, and I realise my confidence is all but just an illusion. Now I fear of everything.

Brit...

Eager to Rest

Eager to rest for my eyes, for my head, and for my heart! I’m totally exhausted, especially my mind. I feel like crawling through long dark tunnel. Overwhelmed a certain gloom, I’m losing confidence in me. Is it melancholia? Well, it’s not such simple. This mess-up of mind is due to some complex disturbance. Maybe I know a little, or don’t.

Brit…

Words

I just don't understand why people are not responsible for their words. As for me, every spoken word of mine or to me is a kind of yoke. I'm bound with not only my utterance but also other's to me, so I don't speak any word easily and don't treat any word to me as worthless. For me words are important as much as the utterer of them, hence I hope my words can be valued as my self, too. Once I voice something, it always chases me up until fulfilled, therefore I cannot feel free from my words at any case. Of course, I know every spoken word cannot be fulfilled without exception, and I also do not keep every word I speak, but at least, I try to do it. Words as well as writings from me are the very reflection of my heart, that is, my soul. If I am not faithful to them―I mean the words and writings―, it means that I lose my soul. Without soul, how can I live on?

Brit...

My [New] Laptop

For my papers/articles as well as preparing my doctorial dissertation, two days ago I’ve bought a laptop, that is, a net-book not a notebook. Notebook computers are usually too heavy for me to carry with, so the lightness was the first option for the purchase. To write something I had to get home from school, the flow/rhythm of my thought was often deterred, and it irritated me. From now on I write and comment anything at anytime when something comes across my mind in the study room [in the campus]. Hooray! If I own it a little earlier, I could finish the paper which I am engaged in now. “The sooner, the better” was a necessary cliche for me, I think. I'm in our Campus Study room now, you know! :)

Brit...