My Whimsicality

My whimsicality might be exerted again. I can’t help it, you know. I cannot help myself! This or that, this way or that way… jammed by all indeterminacies and uncertainty, I’m lost.

Though he knows I am, he loves me. I know that. He said he loved me, but I would know that even though he didn’t say that. As for the line between us, he said that I’d never be able to draw the line, so he had to do it. That’s why our connection has been lasted for such long years. All has been due to him, not to me. If he were not so patient, we could not be friend. His perseverance, tolerance, and embracement have kept me in the middle of the road, even if it is, at least, on the surface. Anyway, since we met, he has performed as my guard against the harshly tempting world. Yes, I know the world is not the matter, the evil is in my mind, and I myself have made the deadlock of mine. I always tease him to clear the obstacles away, which have been made by me.

Brit…

Bloody Eye hindered...

The day before yesterday, I was about to see my tempting dentist because the resin between incisors was fallen off. Up feeling to meet him because I like him. He is a good dentist and has trustful nature. Gentle and warm, of course! We’ve not met for a long time, so my teeth need to be examined, let alone the problematic resin. I am heard that every time my children visit him he asks them about me. My daughter used to joke me, “Mom, the doctor was uttering only you during doing my teeth. He likes you so much.” She can say that because he is usually wordless to all patients, so looks blunt. I’m his senior alumna, and actually we’re all alumnae or alumni, because he and all of my family attended Pusan National University. Anyway, the most important thing is that he was the first dentist who made me comfortable during dental performing.

On preparing for him in the afternoon, however, on the mirror I found that the vein of my right eye burst and half of it full of blood. It looked dreadful like the eye on the horror movie scene. I would have such eyes when tired, but this time much more severe. I gave up meeting the dentist Mr. Kim, instead, had to see another Mr. Kim, the oculist—my regular eye doctor—. The oculist said it was from tiredness, I needed full sleep, and it would take time to clear the blood stain away. I have sleeping problem—a certain kind of partial insomnia—, you know, and many books to read. What a yoke!

Yesterday is a harsh day with one eye patched through the day. I could not help patching over the bloody eye because it looked so horrible. Couldn’t see things in a right perspective, and everything looked obscure with one eye blinded! Suffering headache and nausea all day long, utterly exhausted in the evening! I decided to wear dark sunglasses till my regular eyes turn back. I ordered new sunglasses adjusting to my eyes. It costs.

Brit…

Time, Condition, Night-talks

Time dizzily flies fast, which I feel all like a moment, but ‘yesterday’ seems like a long time ago. How odd! It is an irony, isn’t it? I just feel like hovering about eternity, the swift and momentary eternity. As going, might be the doomsday suddenly before me? Who knows the future? I’m afraid of the future. Can everyday-struggles call the better and happier future? Well, I don’t know.

Since this semester began, my physical condition has been down below. Strength seems to be getting weaker. Besides, I could not sleep well even though every night I almost lost consciousness from early in the evening. It is not insomnia, but between 70% asleep and 30% awake all through the night, I think. I don’t sleep like a log and often wake at midnight or after. Moreover, my chronic pains from disorder of nervous system are sometimes too severe, so hard to stand it. Since I usually smile even when feel blue or aches, however, nobody knows what is behind my smile.

When sitting up at night, I write e-mails now and then. I know my words of the night easily become baloney, which means the words are better not uttering, because I usually speak too bare in spite of myself at night. Too bare to keep myself armed with cold reason or necessary hypocrisy. Nights let me enjoy the time to contemplate myself and others, further on many things for which I couldn’t spare spaces in my mind, but sometimes make me unnecessarily veracious. My words from the unique feeling of the night hurt myself as well.

At night, writing or speaking alone is not bad, but talking to others may be dangerous. In writing to others I tried to keep the middle of the road, but unstable night-talks would destroy my vital vanity which has defended my pride, because nights robbed me of self-control of self-restraint. I often regret my night-talks, nevertheless, would make them again. Why? Do I feel lonely?

Brit…

Playing with Probability

Longing for P-

Crossing my mind,
Crossing on the road,
Crossing the played,
Missing, not bad.


I wished to see him, but we always crossed on the way. It's my fault because I know his schedule. In other words, I wish to see him knowing he is not there. Crossing is a play of my mind expecting for 'probability'.

Brit...