Time dizzily flies fast, which I feel all like a moment, but ‘yesterday’ seems like a long time ago. How odd! It is an irony, isn’t it? I just feel like hovering about eternity, the swift and momentary eternity. As going, might be the doomsday suddenly before me? Who knows the future? I’m afraid of the future. Can everyday-struggles call the better and happier future? Well, I don’t know.
Since this semester began, my physical condition has been down below. Strength seems to be getting weaker. Besides, I could not sleep well even though every night I almost lost consciousness from early in the evening. It is not insomnia, but between 70% asleep and 30% awake all through the night, I think. I don’t sleep like a log and often wake at midnight or after. Moreover, my chronic pains from disorder of nervous system are sometimes too severe, so hard to stand it. Since I usually smile even when feel blue or aches, however, nobody knows what is behind my smile.
When sitting up at night, I write e-mails now and then. I know my words of the night easily become baloney, which means the words are better not uttering, because I usually speak too bare in spite of myself at night. Too bare to keep myself armed with cold reason or necessary hypocrisy. Nights let me enjoy the time to contemplate myself and others, further on many things for which I couldn’t spare spaces in my mind, but sometimes make me unnecessarily veracious. My words from the unique feeling of the night hurt myself as well.
At night, writing or speaking alone is not bad, but talking to others may be dangerous. In writing to others I tried to keep the middle of the road, but unstable night-talks would destroy my vital vanity which has defended my pride, because nights robbed me of self-control of self-restraint. I often regret my night-talks, nevertheless, would make them again. Why? Do I feel lonely?
Brit…
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