Deadlock

1.

What sort of ridicule is this? Really, I’m not interested in it. I think I am absolutely misunderstood. I am not the sort of a woman, which he might think of me, definitely. I don’t like such a game, the emotional game, because I’m very weak at such folly and not witted about it at all.

Nevertheless, am I being swallowed up into the whirlwind of a certain emotional collision in spite of myself? What an absurd creature I am! Too frail to stand tall for myself!

2.

I’ve been proud of myself and have necessary confidence in me, and have been valued and loved by others. Now I, however, feel trapped within my own standards and other’s expectation. The aging and consequently lack of physical strength—that is, degenerating— are taking my ability away, and I realise my confidence is all but just an illusion. Now I fear of everything.

Brit...

Eager to Rest

Eager to rest for my eyes, for my head, and for my heart! I’m totally exhausted, especially my mind. I feel like crawling through long dark tunnel. Overwhelmed a certain gloom, I’m losing confidence in me. Is it melancholia? Well, it’s not such simple. This mess-up of mind is due to some complex disturbance. Maybe I know a little, or don’t.

Brit…

Words

I just don't understand why people are not responsible for their words. As for me, every spoken word of mine or to me is a kind of yoke. I'm bound with not only my utterance but also other's to me, so I don't speak any word easily and don't treat any word to me as worthless. For me words are important as much as the utterer of them, hence I hope my words can be valued as my self, too. Once I voice something, it always chases me up until fulfilled, therefore I cannot feel free from my words at any case. Of course, I know every spoken word cannot be fulfilled without exception, and I also do not keep every word I speak, but at least, I try to do it. Words as well as writings from me are the very reflection of my heart, that is, my soul. If I am not faithful to them―I mean the words and writings―, it means that I lose my soul. Without soul, how can I live on?

Brit...

My [New] Laptop

For my papers/articles as well as preparing my doctorial dissertation, two days ago I’ve bought a laptop, that is, a net-book not a notebook. Notebook computers are usually too heavy for me to carry with, so the lightness was the first option for the purchase. To write something I had to get home from school, the flow/rhythm of my thought was often deterred, and it irritated me. From now on I write and comment anything at anytime when something comes across my mind in the study room [in the campus]. Hooray! If I own it a little earlier, I could finish the paper which I am engaged in now. “The sooner, the better” was a necessary cliche for me, I think. I'm in our Campus Study room now, you know! :)

Brit...

My Whimsicality

My whimsicality might be exerted again. I can’t help it, you know. I cannot help myself! This or that, this way or that way… jammed by all indeterminacies and uncertainty, I’m lost.

Though he knows I am, he loves me. I know that. He said he loved me, but I would know that even though he didn’t say that. As for the line between us, he said that I’d never be able to draw the line, so he had to do it. That’s why our connection has been lasted for such long years. All has been due to him, not to me. If he were not so patient, we could not be friend. His perseverance, tolerance, and embracement have kept me in the middle of the road, even if it is, at least, on the surface. Anyway, since we met, he has performed as my guard against the harshly tempting world. Yes, I know the world is not the matter, the evil is in my mind, and I myself have made the deadlock of mine. I always tease him to clear the obstacles away, which have been made by me.

Brit…

Bloody Eye hindered...

The day before yesterday, I was about to see my tempting dentist because the resin between incisors was fallen off. Up feeling to meet him because I like him. He is a good dentist and has trustful nature. Gentle and warm, of course! We’ve not met for a long time, so my teeth need to be examined, let alone the problematic resin. I am heard that every time my children visit him he asks them about me. My daughter used to joke me, “Mom, the doctor was uttering only you during doing my teeth. He likes you so much.” She can say that because he is usually wordless to all patients, so looks blunt. I’m his senior alumna, and actually we’re all alumnae or alumni, because he and all of my family attended Pusan National University. Anyway, the most important thing is that he was the first dentist who made me comfortable during dental performing.

On preparing for him in the afternoon, however, on the mirror I found that the vein of my right eye burst and half of it full of blood. It looked dreadful like the eye on the horror movie scene. I would have such eyes when tired, but this time much more severe. I gave up meeting the dentist Mr. Kim, instead, had to see another Mr. Kim, the oculist—my regular eye doctor—. The oculist said it was from tiredness, I needed full sleep, and it would take time to clear the blood stain away. I have sleeping problem—a certain kind of partial insomnia—, you know, and many books to read. What a yoke!

Yesterday is a harsh day with one eye patched through the day. I could not help patching over the bloody eye because it looked so horrible. Couldn’t see things in a right perspective, and everything looked obscure with one eye blinded! Suffering headache and nausea all day long, utterly exhausted in the evening! I decided to wear dark sunglasses till my regular eyes turn back. I ordered new sunglasses adjusting to my eyes. It costs.

Brit…

Time, Condition, Night-talks

Time dizzily flies fast, which I feel all like a moment, but ‘yesterday’ seems like a long time ago. How odd! It is an irony, isn’t it? I just feel like hovering about eternity, the swift and momentary eternity. As going, might be the doomsday suddenly before me? Who knows the future? I’m afraid of the future. Can everyday-struggles call the better and happier future? Well, I don’t know.

Since this semester began, my physical condition has been down below. Strength seems to be getting weaker. Besides, I could not sleep well even though every night I almost lost consciousness from early in the evening. It is not insomnia, but between 70% asleep and 30% awake all through the night, I think. I don’t sleep like a log and often wake at midnight or after. Moreover, my chronic pains from disorder of nervous system are sometimes too severe, so hard to stand it. Since I usually smile even when feel blue or aches, however, nobody knows what is behind my smile.

When sitting up at night, I write e-mails now and then. I know my words of the night easily become baloney, which means the words are better not uttering, because I usually speak too bare in spite of myself at night. Too bare to keep myself armed with cold reason or necessary hypocrisy. Nights let me enjoy the time to contemplate myself and others, further on many things for which I couldn’t spare spaces in my mind, but sometimes make me unnecessarily veracious. My words from the unique feeling of the night hurt myself as well.

At night, writing or speaking alone is not bad, but talking to others may be dangerous. In writing to others I tried to keep the middle of the road, but unstable night-talks would destroy my vital vanity which has defended my pride, because nights robbed me of self-control of self-restraint. I often regret my night-talks, nevertheless, would make them again. Why? Do I feel lonely?

Brit…

Playing with Probability

Longing for P-

Crossing my mind,
Crossing on the road,
Crossing the played,
Missing, not bad.


I wished to see him, but we always crossed on the way. It's my fault because I know his schedule. In other words, I wish to see him knowing he is not there. Crossing is a play of my mind expecting for 'probability'.

Brit...

The First Native Speaking Teacher of Mine

Four weeks’ conversation class was over yesterday. Time flied away so fast and our class had last meeting at a coffee shop with free talking. We had to say goodbye as soon as the awkward feeling among us had been removed. Both students and teacher were really sorry for farewell.

At first I terribly hesitated about attending the class because I was a graduate student of English department. I thought it was shameful as an English-majoring student for me to be a belated practiser of English conversation with other young students, even though I majored in literature not in language. It had been long hesitation for years. The fact is that I had no courage to confront with the reality as a stammering speaker of English. In fact I would have taken verbal English classes much earlier. I finally realised that avoiding practise was more shameful than being a delayed practiser and such shilly-shally attitude was merely my conceited pride or vanity. Then I decided to challenge and took my first conversation class in my life.

I really enjoyed the class and appreciated my instructor Mr. Hylton for his educational devotion. Mr. Hylton is a decent older American from LA, who is a teacher naturally and literally. I didn’t imagine I would meet such a good man. How lucky I am to have met him as my first native speaking teacher! I don’t deny that his first name, which reminded me of Scottish historical hero, influenced my first choice of his class. It proved to be an excellent choice in the end. I like him and he is the one whom I don’t want to say goodbye.


Brit…

Given-Words-Story-Making 3

(Making a story with the given words)

make a revision of
give assistance to
have a preference for
have doubts about
give encouragement to
take into consideration
make a determination
be a reflection of
raise an objection about
give an authorization for / to
need to terminate
to transmit
to make a modification
to make an inquiry

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“Conversation between Two Friends”

Hey, Jamie, I got a job at an academy in Korea. I will teach English for Korean students there. It is the first time for me to educate someone, you know. I’m so nervous that I have doubts about my competence for such a work. Nevertheless I made a determination of taking this opportunity. No challenge, no gain! You have experience to have taught in Korea, and I expect you something to advise me. Please don’t hesitate to give assistance to me!

Oh, it’s nice to hear that. Korea really deserves to be visited. By the way, you have a preference for China to Korea, don’t you?

Yes, I do, but my heart tells me “Proper opportunity is not always coming. It is easy to go China from Korea. This will serve as a stepping-stone for my future success in Asia.” I could not raise an objection about that.

I agree. There are numerous academies in Korea. It is a reflection of their enthusiasm about education. Koreans! In Korea, teachers were respected, and would be given an authorization for decision-making on the studying course of students in the past. Nowadays, teachers’ position is changing, so they are required to be good supporters, but my Korean friend said that their educational tradition itself was not changed much. It is really different from ours. While some of traditions are necessarily preserved to transmit to the descendant, some of them become conventional and not easily discarded. Every generation has its surplus convention which sometimes needs to be terminated. Koreans have unique educational tradition.

I thought students were just students and they were similar everywhere. Am I simple? Do I have to make a modification on my opinion?

For instance, Korean students are usually shilly-shally to make an inquiry. Many of them are shy for lack of confidence. In some cases they think that making inquiries are bold behaviour, and I guess such attitude is one of the remains of Confucian tradition. You had better take their culture into consideration. Whenever you make a revision of a student’s task, you constantly need to give encouragement to him/her.

Oh, I see. Thanks for comments! Anyway I’ll try to be a good teacher to the best of my ability.


Brit… (24th August, 2009)