She told him, “Never miss me and totally forget about me when you’re there, and I’ll do.” On her saying of forgetting about him, he added, “but not completely,” so she went on, “you can wake me up when you’re back.” He smiled instead of answering.
Of course, it’s just absolute bluff. She thought she would miss him, his gazing and his touching, his smiling green eyes and his arms around her. Her inside wants the opposites, his deadly longing for her, his missing her smile, her smell, her feel and touch, and her voice with hesitant words. Maybe he would do or not. He might notice her paradoxical irony because he is not a boy but a man. The time they’re totally out of touch would help to reduce their flames.
The fact that he is no more near makes her easy and simultaneously empty. He may be in the air.
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Even though she clearly knows his absence, she doesn’t pass his door without halting. There glitter two green lights noting that he is not in. She realises that it’s hard to stand his absence. Already she misses him. Who on earth is he? He is the man, who says she’s hot and sexy (even at her age), whose eyes are glowing on her presence, whose hands want to feel whole her body, and who eagerly desires to come inside her. She tried to get away all thoughts about him but she couldn’t. Before he is back, she has to be composed somehow. She must get out of him as soon as possible, but her body constantly wants his touch.
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She’s been busy all day long. His absence reminds her of being alone now and then, but manageable. She has been harassed with tasks both official and personal. Deadlines are on the way. She knows that he wouldn’t think of her at all, so she has to do the same, really, totally forget about him for the time being. She must stop writing the diary to do so, though. Writing and thinking of him is the same thing for her now. She’ll have to find an alternative object, and if she would write about him on, she‘ll never take him away. He, who is not around, is nothing to her.
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Absurd! For so many years--almost for ten years, she has lived without it. It’s an old story, in fact older than the last ten years, hardly necessary to feel something new in her. Endured well, then why can’t she do suddenly? It’s driving her up the wall. He woke up her sleeping instinct, kindled a long-dried charcoal, and made her inflamed.
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She thinks she would not release him. He is a special and unique person to her, in that she can talk with him openly or straightforwardly about instinctive matters, even the basic instinct without reserve. She thinks that she [can] reveal the bold fact inside her in all its nakedness to him. Probably she would be so to him as well, at least, they are such persons for each other. The most important thing is that they do all this naturally. By not-bound with each other, they can enjoy freedom.
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What does make her stick to him? ‘Stick’ is a proper word? Probably it isn’t. Maybe she wants to be immersed in him with some reasons, though the reasons she wouldn’t like to specify. She seems to want not to be perceived them, even by her own self. It seems for her the ninth year of every decade has its fatal points. The ninth for her in Korean way has been the lasts of decades. In 2000, she confronted with deadly inner conflict. It was a kind of turning point as well as a kind of fallen moments in life (I cannot explain what meaning is in the word “fallen”). Anyway it was so. Her last decade indeed felts momentary and there was her General in the moment. Is now another chance to turn or to be fallen? She doesn’t want to make same mistakes, but her situation resembles the past. She is waiting for. . .
July, 2010
Brit…
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