In Relation to My Dissertation

I didn't tremble before the judges at the examination and my heart didn't drum at all. Just been sceptical, for a moment I thought I wanted to stop here.

I know my voice is very distinct/resolute and eloquent as they say. 'The strong subjective I' is my merit as well as my defect and I recognise it. My writing is sometimes so stubborn that I cannot accept any modification against my will. Maybe it's a kind of undeniable bigotry and knowing it is that makes me concede others’ advices/comments at times.

My writing style is always much different from the conventional which used to be demanded by our academic atmosphere. In many cases, I tread on the line between the required and the rejected. Now and then it becomes a sly strategy by me. The conventional or the stereotyped is absolutely not my style, but I've enough compromised with the convention till now, I think. ‘The more’ is really hard for me, almost impossible. I cannot change my attitude anymore, rather properly speaking, I don't want to.

(Written on 18 November, 2010)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I confront with deadlock. I tried to modify my dissertation as a whole according to the judges' comments and all day long I've been digging into it, but I couldn't make head or tail of it. I even didn’t know where I start. My own structure seemed to be so firm that anything could not interrupt in it. I myself could not break any corner of it and I really wanted to stop here. From in the afternoon I started to cry. I couldn’t control my tears. Sobbed my eyes out, they became bloody tumid and inflamed. I think my pride is too tenacious to concede easily.

(Written on 19 November, 2010)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not only my eyes but also my face was swollen due to long sobbing and I could not go out for a couple of days.

Away from work, I needed time to think if I can compromise with the conventional writing. How can I do it, the thing I don’t want to do? Anyway, I have to make something out in three weeks, which something harmonise judges' demands with mine. Or, I'd give up, even though it would be terrible sorry for me. I don't want to let myself—my writing, my shadow in it and my style fade away, even if it's wrong.

(Written on 21 November, 2010)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I’m trying again.

Brit…