Challenge or Vanity

I wonder if I can successfully step into another phase of my life. I’ve lived deadly cruel years and I spent the ‘spring and summer’ of my life wretchedly (in a sense, worthlessly). I’m not young any longer and now being in the autumn of my life, the upcoming years wouldn’t be much tougher than the previous ones, yet they are approaching me with such different looks as strangers’.

Frankly speaking, I’m scared. I would be faced with some fatal challenging of reality and I’ll have to overcome many obstacles. As for the obstacles, they could be my not-younger-age or my not-good-health or my not-having-background or my sceptical capabilities or my often-depressive mood, the chronic symptom of ever-pessimism. Thus I’m afraid of myself most of all, that is, my pride, my obstinacy, my self-pity, my greed, my despair, and all my negativities, let alone my fantasy about love.

My present achievements (in studying and working) have considerably depended upon good opportunities. In that sense, I was lucky. I’ve met chances and people that helped me for these a few years since I re-began studying. I’ve been also loved by many as much as I’ve loved them (sincerely I’ve loved them). For those kinds of love, I think I’ve fully performed. I’ve loved everyone/everything with all my heart that I wanted to love. I’ve always tried to be earnest in them.

About male-female or erotic love, however, I’ve sometimes wanted something beyond and still I would helplessly do, though I don’t want to have my life meddled by anyone as well as I don’t want to intrude myself on his life. I’m definitely not good at such kind of love and I’ve clumsily, even childishly, dealt with it all the time. I only used to hurt myself and others and I must not have loved anyone. Earthly love had gnawed my innocence away, so that it spoiled me and I’ve become the one whom I myself cannot understand. Once and away I have to hate the person like me. Nevertheless, I desire the prohibited.

Brit…