Still not well

After unusual illness in April, I felt better for a moment. Last week I went to school on Wednesday and Thursday. Damn intervallic dry cough remained however, and it didn’t go down. Sometimes a hacking cough held my breath and words. Then the cough has become more and more frequent since weekend and became so severe that I even vomited during coughing, so I couldn‘t go to school again.

My professor/supervisor phoned me this morning, saying he called up at his office. Nowadays I usually study at his office and he calls me up at his office whenever he has something to tell me. After appointed to the Dean of the College of Humanities, he moved to Dean’s office, so his personal/professorial office is vacant for two years. Then he let me, whom his assistant, use his personal office as my own. His office is full of books that I have to (and want to) read for my doctorial thesis. I know I’m endowed with some privilege, because he is not a man who easily shares privacy with others. I am the first person/assistant whom he gave the security key of his office and I deeply appreciate his thoughtful consideration to help me on studying.

Now I can hardly talk since a hacking cough beats me every time I utter a voice. My voice sank down and I feel my throat swollen. I begin to worry about losing my voice. I think I must see the doctor again.

Brit…

Sang a Song

I’ve been deadly ill with flu for three days and nights. Fever, sick and all my body ached. Much worried about that I could not sing at Professor Chung’s retirement reception, which he eagerly wanted me to. I almost recovered by Saturday afternoon, but cough remained and became husky. Anyhow I could sing for him, though it did not meet my satisfaction. In good condition, I could show much more, give more impression to the audience.

I sang “You light up my life”, Debby Boone’s old song without accompaniment. In fact, “You light up my life” is a song that I shared for my professor Bae. I wanted to sing the song for him, because he has really backed me up. His retirement leaves ten years more, however, at then I’ll count on my sixties. Perhaps I’ll have no chance to sing for him. Ridiculous it’ll be if a woman of almost sixties would sing such a song for a man?!

Yesterday I thought it was my last chance for such singing, so sang the song. I think it’s a reasonable song at teachers’ retirement reception, since teachers guide students like a lighthouse and professors are teachers. Professor Chung is also my guide though not my thesis supervisor. I appreciate him for his concern and affection. I know he cares for me. Thank God I’m beloved.

Brit…

PS.)

A song of reserved for the reception! What a super woman I was! It was a very short interval of amazing revitalisation, nobody knew I was ill, but soonest I fell down on bed after that. Going on lying in sickbed with Ringer’s solution till today, I’m almost recovering now and tomorrow may go to school again. (Added on 27 April)

Exhausted Day

I took nosebleed for snivelling.

Everything which irritates me depends on my management. It’s all up to me, and no one can replace me. Frequently I feel some emotional oscillation between uplift and downcast. When suffering from swinging unstableness of mind, I wonder if I’m a manic-depressive psychosis.

Life often seems to go beyond my will and expectation. It is so arbitrary that it may look sporting over me. The life-devil, the dark and negative face of life, uses depression as one of its playing tools, which the tools are its arms to fight against me. Depression produces all the unexpected or haphazard illness. I know all that, nevertheless, can’t help it now and then. I cannot be knelt down to it, however. Even though it is deadly hard to overcome it, I can’t lose. Avec ma solitude, I’ll stand tall.

Wilful it is, yet I must be happy. When feeling like crying, I’ll cry loudly under my pillow, and then regain smile.

Brit…

English Conversation

English conversation is always my hot potato. It claims immediate reactions, so doesn’t allow time for me to think over proper words and expression fitting to situations. I need time to hit upon answers, to select fit words, and to shape passable sentences, however. Thus I often miss right moments to speak and make steps-delayed articulations.

Having lunch with Wallace yesterday, I felt like being a dummy. I got much to tell him, but didn’t cover my thought with words. Clumsiness at speaking foreign language always snatches words away from my lips and disturbs me in keeping up with my mind. My speaking [in English] was steps-delayed as ever, and most words which I intended to were at a standstill on the tip of my tongue. Wallace used to complete my unspoken words or correct my wrong-structured sentences, in doing so, he usually makes me comfortable, but I become distracted now and then. Of course, he knows I’m sensitive regarding this issue.

I wish conversing can be comfortable like writing. Even in Korean, sometimes I feel easy at writing more than at speaking. ‘Face to face’ or eye contact makes my head stiff, I think, so I frequently feel awkward. Some indescribable anxiety would block my way, and I, and my eyes, get lost. English makes it worse at any time. How and when I can naturally converse in English?

Brit…

Fatigue

I’m suffering from fatigue. Whole my body aches. Sorry to say fatigue, I don’t deserve it. Anyway, what’s the cause of it? Definitely not from hard work, because I didn’t have any hard work! Then, what about ill food, the sushi of yesterday, or a touch of cold, or breathlessly thick yellow-sand of the weekend, or some kind of fretting/anxiety? Did comprehensive exams make me exhausted? Nothing can totally claim it, and my damn chronic headache, too! (The headache has tortured me since my teens, which sometimes had periods of respite, though. When I was eighteen, I absolutely sympathised Nietzsche with his pain, who had suffered from terrible headache. ;D)

The only thing I can tell is that I’m always anguished with various mental/psychological reasons. The pressure of dissertation—several theses, as well-- heavily falls down upon me, and my physical condition, which is weakening day by day, doubtlessly gains a cause, and besides, my emotional unstableness often makes everything tougher. The uncertain future of this getting-older female student, who has no good connection, adds gloomy vision. What for is her struggling? I didn’t re-begin study for specified purposes, but desires have grown as studying more.

I need to be poised and strong mentally as well as physically, and I should not want so much, but it’s not easy to control. Like manic-depressive psychopath, my mind and body is repeatedly vacillating between ups and downs. Once lively and then groggy, and again! Maybe I miss someone to talk with, like Dimitri. I haven’t got in touch with him for nearly a year.

Brit…

The Comprehensive Exams

Today, I took comprehensive exams for finishing my doctorial course, that is, a kind of graduate exams. If we don’t pass the exams, we’re not allowed to present our dissertations. Among seminars we’ve taken in the course, we doctorial graduates choose 4 to be tested. My choice included in a Study of Contemporary British Writers, a Study of Contemporary American Fiction Ⅰ, English Poems in the Sixteenth-century, and a Study of Contemporary American Drama. For last three weeks I’ve been engaged in preparing the exams, and finally they’ve gone. A little nervous, but I’ve managed well as a whole, and I think I’m going to pass them successfully. From now on I can concentrate on my dissertation, sometimes helping my professor in his work when he needs my hand. My professor, who always backs me up, proposed me to edit The Humanities Quarterly, which is one of his projects as the Dean of Humanities College. I’m willing to help him.

Brit…

Notes about Figure-skating

Notes about Figure skating Competitions of the Winter Olympics in 2010

I was very apprehensive about over-scores in recent figure skating competitions, and the strong political tendency in this area. Sometimes judgement used to be not recognizable at all, even disgusting. This time, however, the results were roughly understandable, at least within podium skaters, though there’s a little unreasonableness in some cases. Judgement and results at most competitions--Pairs, Ice-dancing, and Men’s/Ladies’ Singles, were plausible/acceptable, working good.

It’s marvellous that my anticipation/expectation was realised. I’m glad that Shen Xue & Zhao Hongbo at Pair skating, Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir at Ice-dancing, our Yu-Na at Ladies’ single separately won their gold medal as I wished. Evan Lysacek’s victory at Men’s single, though I’ve liked the skater for years, was a little bit surprise, but he just deserved to be the champ. He showed clean and impressive performance, adding some charismatic touch with his tallness. I think all the champions at figure skating competitions of 2010 Olympics were absolutely right persons.

My other favourite pair Aliona Savchenko & Robin Szolkowy earned the bronze medal, but it was uncontroversial. While they made mistakes, Pang Qing & Tong Jian performed clean and nice free programme. Above all, Ice-dancing medallists all showed fantastic performances. The original dance of Charlie White & Meryl Davis were so lovely, and they showed their best. Scott & Tessa were a little more fascinating. They always make spectators happy. What a sweet couple they are! Oksana Domnina & Maxim Shabalin were also captivating, but their performance needed something more to win the gold or silver medal, though I’ve adored this veteran Ice-dancing couple for a long time.

At Men’s single, frankly speaking, I wanted Stephane Lambiel, the absolutely artistic skater, to stand the top, for I’ve loved his skating for years. Though he made some mistakes, he gave us the most beautiful performance. Takahashi Daisuke fell down at quadruple jump, but played good. My heart inclined to Stephane, however. During Stephane’s two seasons’ retirement my most favourite male skater has been Tomas Verner, but to my sorry, he did not exert his own genius at all. Tomas and Jeremy Abbott collapsed too early at both short and long programmes. If Tomas, Jeremy, and Stephane would play their full capacity clean and perfectly, they might be on the podium. I think their programmes were better than others’.

Figure skating is a sport, but it is not a sport only, that is, it is an artistic sport, not a jump competition. In this sense, Zhenya’s performance lacked choreographic virtue and dynamic steps and has no flowing transition. Even most of his jumps are shaky. Evgeni Plushenko was one of my favourites, and he was excellent in Torino, but not this time. The sad thing is that I was disappointed at Zhenya, not with not-previous-like performance, but with his reaction after the competition. The attitude he showed us was not pride but arrogance. He must have celebrated the new champ without complaining. In fact, he did not skated well enough to deserve to complain about the result. I was sorry that he might be not the very person I thought I knew. I think Zhenya was not only defeated by Evan in the competition, but also fell inferior to Stephane in personality.

Ladies’ single competitions were much better than Men’s. What could we need more? Most of the potentialities showed their best, and Joanne Rochette made emotional/tearful moment because of her deceased mother who died of heart attack two days ago before the short programme. Our Yu-Na was absolutely, breathlessly, enchantingly and dominatingly superb. How can I express the phenomenal performances of Yu-Na? Nobody could/can do it better. She’ll be a legend. I am glad that Yu-Na could be a happy skater. Long live the Queen!

Brit...

An Affair

On writing to Terri, I recalled a long-time-ago-event between JE and me. Terri is suffering from some emotional despair, which part is similar to my oldies. I told her it’s desirable to forget bad things as soon as possible, but I didn’t have overcome mine for a long time. Whenever I confronted with JE in my campus years, I assumed natural countenance, yet my heart was in a terrible whirl. Even now, I remember the feeling of being betrayed or abused in those days.

I loved YC. He was/is the first and only one whom I’ve loved among those who have lived in my reality. I’ve never loved a man such purely, earnestly, and poignantly like I loved him. He possessed the half of my campus years. With him, the woman in me woke up and the innocence passed away. When JE seduced him, if I had not confessed my emotion for him to her before that, my feeling of betrayed would not have been so great. She was one of my best friends and already had a boy friend then. I was felt my emotion been totally abused by her.

JE married sooner than I, and her husband was another man, not her boy friend of then as well as YC. My YC has left for good, and we’ve never met since those years. So to speak, I was ridiculed by JE, so I could not have cleared bitter sediment in mind caused by her for a long time. The beater can easily forget, the beaten cannot. JE, who was from rich family and married to a rich man, has lived affluent life, but I don’t. She would/could never imagine my life and never understand my mind.

Now I don’t hate her, and don’t have any bad feeling on her. She has been no more my friend, for I have erased her from my friends’ list. I, however, could not send YC away from my heart, he remained in the corner of my inside and has lived there, even though I don’t love him now.

Brit…

Dissertation at the beginning

Time flies so fast that it’s like meeting another day in every blink of eyes!

My diss. work is at a standstill, since continual reading requires incessantly new reading, it looks like running on the spot. ‘Where’ and ‘how’ can I formulate something in my mind and reveal them? So distressed, I used to be dropped down to despair now and then. furthermore, my physical condition, its limits—weakened physical strength which I’m sensing often disturb me mentally and physically, that is, weakening-sighted [more and more], chronic backache and chronic problem in my nervous system, several symptoms due to stress, and so on. I absolutely need some reasonably designed exercise and have to spare time for it, but even it’s not easy.

I must not die writing my dissertation as Prof. Kang joked. I don’t think the burden is that much, and I‘m just psychologically oppressed, so in some senses he is right, I must have in mind what is first and what next. I think that years is not more than numbers, but sometimes it—being old makes me down. I cannot devote myself in studying with similar amount of time like my young colleagues. For example, sitting up [at night] is nothing for me in my earlier years, but now I cannot do that. Anyway, there’s long way to go for achieving my Ph. D. and I must have patience. I have to struggle against my emotion which sometimes haunts my mind like manic-depressive psychosis, too.

Brit…

Lensky's Aria sung by Joseph Kaiser

I found a striking new face of tenor on the web, whose name is Joseph Kaiser, Canadian, whose voice clear and flowingly lyrical which is absolutely on the very line of my favourites, among whom are Tito Schipa, Giuseppe di Stefano, Nicolai Gedda, Fritz Wunderlich, Peter Schreier, Jose Carrearas, and Ian Bostridge.

Besides, along with the beautiful voice, let alone good-looking, his figure of 6’4” tall is overwhelming. I’ve never met a tenor like him. He reminds me of Placido Domingo or my Stefano of their younger years, though his appearance does not resemble them. Joseph Kaiser made Lensky and his aria very special, whose character in Eugene Onegin has not been so attractive for me before. Captivated with Kaiser’s singing Lensky, I’ve searched for all of Lensky’s aria (“Kuda Kuda, vi Udalilis…”) on the YouTube and listened to most of them. They are Stefano’s, Gedda’s, Wunderlich’s, Domingo’s, Jan Peerce’s, Rolando Villazon’s, Jussi Bjorling’s, Manuel Escorcio’s, and so on. Each of them was definitely intriguing. I don’t have realised till now how fascinating Lensky’s aria was like this. It is not less than Nemorino’s, Orfeo’s, Rodolf’s, and Cavaradossi’s.

I was lucky to have run across Joseph, in a sense both accidently and mistakenly. Initially I wanted to search for a man named Joseph Kaizer from the web, who played “Hora Staccato” nicely with cello. I, then, wrongly typed z to s, and consequently confronted with a tenor whose name Joseph Kaiser. What a fantastic mistake! I must have been destined to know him. ;-) Ridiculous is it? Maybe…, but the “destined” is right formulation because I passionately love [classical] music. Anyway, it is the first time for me to have been knocked out by a tenor at one blow. Do I become too generous for listening to music? Is my longing hours for Music so long, my immortal lover whom I’ve neglected for these years?

You know, my first foreign pen-pal of decades ago was a boy named Joseph, yet he was a HongKongnian, and one of the permanent companions of my literary life is Joseph Conrad, the Polish-born British writer. Now I begin to think that Joseph is a special name for me. In addition, I also found a young Russian tenor named Alexey Kudrya, whose voice has tremendous musical potentiality of my favourite. These days, I have been so happy with their voices.

Brit…